Self-Doubt

to be too sure of oneself is arrogance.. it's not humble.. but to not be sure of oneself?? to have doubts? the bane of my life.. self-doubt.. a lifetime of second-guessing myself.. did i do the right thing? should I not have said that? should I not have thought that? 

anyhow.. i always find myself caught in this vice and don't know how to extricate myself.. how do you remove doubt and find peace?? how do you stop berating yourself in the shower (that seems to be the time that my mind throws up all the wrong things that i did the previous day)?? how does your inner self accept the confidence that your outer self is projecting? 

i don't know.. i am very confused.. and very pained with myself.. and sometimes i hate the things i do, but i do them as if i am propelled to do so.. to give myself comfort at the expense of others.. as a result of insensitivity.. to my friends, colleagues, family.. i am such a bad person to know :(

i was hoping that becoming anonymous and having a different blog will make me positive! but apparently it doesn't.. but it still feels unimaginably great to let off steam here.. as if by confessing my sins on this web-page, I have absolved myself and accepted my mistakes.. 

but that said, it also reinforces my desire to be better.. all is not lost as long as there is scope to improve.. and there is scope to improve as long as one breathes.. give me the strength god.. let me be strong enough to not hurt others even when I want to.. and not be selfish..

m

(notice my first few lines here! from my recent study of the 100 best opening lines.. my tribute to jane austen..)

Welcome...

hi - I am so excited about my new blog!! I have spent an hour designing it.. as if it were my very own home.. and in many ways it is far more important to me than my home, because it houses my thoughts and opinions! and now I shall tell you a little bit more about myself..

I have been writing since 2004.. under my original name.. but in the interest of anonymity.. i have closed my original blog and started this new one.. under an assumed name, meenakshi.. it happens to be my religious name, and also the first half of the name of my grandfather! - so my request to you is to address me as such in your comments.. 

as to the name of the blog.. firstly, it is so hard to get a meaningful name in blogspot.. unfortunately.. secondly, i am reading georgette heyer right now and liked her her powder and patches title for the rhythm in it.. and thirdly, i realized that while powder denotes all that is external and influenced by society, poetry connotes all that is internal and influenced by the soul.. and i thought that given these are the forces that mostly influence my writing, I will name my blog powder and poetry!! hope you will continue to follow me in my journey and appreciate the reasons for my making it open and anonymous!

I am already loving my pen name and I hope that under the auspicious omen of this name, my writing will flourish!

urs,

m